Humor Dinar Recaps 20 Humor Dinar Recaps 20
Mot: Men are just happier people......
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can never be pregnant.
Mot: Men are just happier people......
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you,
He or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough..
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes..
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives
On December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
NICKNAMES
· If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
· If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman .
EATING OUT
· When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
· When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
· A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
· A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
· A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
· The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.
A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
· A woman has the last word in any argument.
· Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument
FUTURE
· A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
· A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
MARRIAGE
· A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
· A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
· A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
· A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
· Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
· Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
· Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
· A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
SO, send this to the women who have a sense of humor and can handle it .... and to the men who will enjoy reading it
**********.
Mot ..... everyday -- its Amazing -- Everyday !!!!!
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Humor Dinar Recaps 20 Humor Dinar Recaps 20
From Recaps Archives:
Had Boys, Have Boys, Thinking About Boys!!
Things I've learned from my boys (honest and not kidding):
A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 x 20 ft. room.
From Recaps Archives:
Had Boys, Have Boys, Thinking About Boys!!
Things I've learned from my boys (honest and not kidding):
A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 x 20 ft. room.
You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.
Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.
Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
Super glue is forever.
No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
VCR's do not eject "PB &J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
It will, however, make cats dizzy.
Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid:
**********
Those who pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without boys do it because:
a) For those with no children - this is totally hysterical!
b) For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
c) For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
d) For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
e) For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control
TNT:
Mot: . New Dads.... Getting Ready fur da Daughter Thing!!!
Mot: Uh oh
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Humor Dinar Recaps 20 Humor Dinar Recaps 20
From Recaps Archives Thank you Dr. Dinar!!!
Enough Talk... Let's See Some Action! by Dr. Dinar
I don't know about you but I'm pretty much done.
To the point where I'm done hearing it's done.
As in everything's done.
Done... duh duh duh DONE!
Like, really done.
Done to the point where there's nothing left to do.
From Recaps Archives
Thank you Dr. Dinar!!!
Enough Talk... Let's See Some Action! by Dr. Dinar
I don't know about you but I'm pretty much done.
To the point where I'm done hearing it's done.
As in everything's done.
Done... duh duh duh DONE!
Like, really done.
Done to the point where there's nothing left to do.
Nothing left to do because it truly is done.
That's definitely closer to my definition of the word done.
Admittedly, I like everything I eat to be well done.
Even to the point of refusing to eat Sushi unless it's well done.
So, perhaps I'm a bit more demanding when it comes to the true definition of the word done.
Nevertheless, it shouldn't be all that difficult to determine the difference between done and close to done but not actually done, therefore it's not done.
First place to start might be with the persistent rumors continually permeating all throughout Dinarland.
Rumors of everything being done.
How long have we been hearing that.
Seems to me, according to my Dinarland calendar, it's been done for at least the last two years.
And yet, here we are.
Not done.
Would we be hearing all these rumors if indeed everything truly were done?
Not likely.
On second thought, we might still be drowning in rumors but chances are they'd have a more post-process, after the GCR kind of feel to them as opposed to the same ol' this is our week or it's gonna pop this Saturday night or we're only expecting to do one more call, our Celebration call kinda rumors.
So please, don't get me wrong.
I'm not expecting Dinarland to go completely rumorless overnight.
i mean, let's not get crazy here.
But wouldn't it be nice to hear a different batch of rumors for a change.
An extremely welcome change to say the least.
Well, I for one would certainly love it anyway.
Even better yet, I'd enjoy seeing that it's done based solely on the number of zero's in my bank account.
That's the kind of proof I'd enjoy seeing.
As it is now I'm still unable to make a trip through the In-N-Out drive thru and order a Double Double with grilled onions, well done, and have any means of paying for it when it's done cookin', all wrapped up and ready for release.
Until that day comes, it's still not done.
And while I'm on the subject of phrases I can hardly wait to never hear again, let's start with it CAN happen today.
Sheesh, give it a rest.
As far as I'm concerned it could've happened any day over the past one thousand days.
Yes, I'm more than aware that they needed to reinvent the current banking system to accept the GCR formula as well as numerous other changes required to release the GCR.
But you get my drift.
Enough with the talk.
I'm ready for some action.
I want to know it WILL happen!
As in today.
Or any other day ending in "y".
Even better yet, I'd love to hear that IT HAS HAPPENED!
As in past tense, check your emails, make your appointment, grab your "To Go" bag and get to the Exchange Center ASAP!
Is that too much to ask.
Just a factual confirmation of completion, in whatever form it comes.
Be it an email, a barrage of posts all throughout Dinarland or a Piper Cub draggin' a giant banner across the sky with a 1-800-CALLNOW number plastered on it.
At this point, I'm not about to be picky.
I'm open to most any form of communication.
Make it a fortune cookie.
Why not a clever saying on a Starbucks cup.
Heck, at this point I'll settle for a homing pigeon with a Post-it note taped to its leg.
What I'm trying to say is I'm flexible.
Whatever it takes, just send me a for real signal of this thing having reached the end of the line.
Of actually reaching a conclusion.
Actually being concluded.
As in DONE.
Talk is cheap.
No more rumors.
We don't need any more stinkin' rumors, regardless of whose super secret source supplies 'em.
We need action.
Action, leading to results.
Results resulting in our receiving our exchange instructions.
I've pretty much had enough of the boy crying wolf.
To the point where I'm ready to sic the wolf on him and let him eat, just to get the kid to shut up.
As I mentioned earlier, enough already.
We've lived through the rumor stage of this adventure for far too long.
It's time to begin the action phase.
As we've always been told, actions speak louder than rumors.
And after all, isn't that exactly what a rumor is.
A bunch of words lined up in the form of a sentence, completely void of all action.
In other words, just words.
And words don't pay the bills.
So to whomever it may be that's supposedly working feverishly on completing the GCR, forever claiming we're close, please feel free to call it "close enough" and dispatch the "GO" email ASAP!
And to those out there rumored to still be throwin' wrenches, please feel free to close the lid on your toolboxes and call it a day.
You have to know when enough is enough.
And let's face it, enough is enough.
We all know this GCR thing is going to happen eventually, the rest of the world has committed to it.
Why not do the right thing by all involved and go ahead and release it.
Then we can all move on to something much more interesting.
Like life beyond Dinarland.
Hang in there folks.
According to the latest rumors, we're right on top of this thing and it has to happen soon.
If not, the entire global economy will crash.
And supposedly they don't want that to happen.
Or do they.
Who knows what they want.
Who even knows who "they" are.
Chances are they don't even know who they are, nor what they want.
Maybe that's why they can't seem to get anything accomplished.
They have no idea what it is they're supposed to be doing.
This thing is so compartmentalized that they forgot to create the "GO Signal" Department.
At this point, anything's possible.
Anyway, don't let the rumors get you down.
Just do your best to hang in there, no matter what it takes.
Kindly,
Dr. Dinar
Disclaimer; I'm not a Wealth Manager, Financial Advisor, CPA, Tax Attorney, RV/GCR Committee member, a Federale of the Spanish Mounted Police, nor am I in search of the treasure of the Sierra Madre. I'm simply someone that chooses to believe in the power of positive thinking and on the odd chance this thing truly is real, I want to make sure I'm there at the finish line to enjoy it.
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Humor Dinar Recaps 20 Humor Dinar Recaps 20
TNT: Mot:.. The Origin of America’s Favorite Nursery Rhyme: ((( Bet Ya Didn't Know This un!!!! )))
The Origin of America’s Favorite Nursery Rhyme:
Davy Crockett's older sister, Effie Crockett was invited to help some mothers in the Muskogee Tribe. Once she arrived in camp, Effie laughed at what she saw. The Muskogee Tribe had a custom of cradling their pappooses among the swaying branches of birch trees. This protected their babies from ground insects, the sun, and wild animals.
After first finding it funny, she soon learned all the great reasons for this practice and marveled at the beauty of it.
Effie watched the swaying and soothing motion of the topmost branches of the trees. She loved how each baby enjoyed nature, how they listened to the songbirds, observed every ladybug, and smiled at the colors of a butterfly, every little breeze was felt and enjoyed by these young ones; each babe seemed perfectly content.
One of the Tribal mothers began to sing a song to the children in her native tongue. As the Muskogee mother sang, Miss Effie observed a small tear running down the mother’s cheek.
TNT:
Mot:.. The Origin of America’s Favorite Nursery Rhyme: ((( Bet Ya Didn't Know This un!!!! )))
The Origin of America’s Favorite Nursery Rhyme:
Davy Crockett's older sister, Effie Crockett was invited to help some mothers in the Muskogee Tribe. Once she arrived in camp, Effie laughed at what she saw. The Muskogee Tribe had a custom of cradling their pappooses among the swaying branches of birch trees. This protected their babies from ground insects, the sun, and wild animals.
After first finding it funny, she soon learned all the great reasons for this practice and marveled at the beauty of it.
Effie watched the swaying and soothing motion of the topmost branches of the trees. She loved how each baby enjoyed nature, how they listened to the songbirds, observed every ladybug, and smiled at the colors of a butterfly, every little breeze was felt and enjoyed by these young ones; each babe seemed perfectly content.
One of the Tribal mothers began to sing a song to the children in her native tongue. As the Muskogee mother sang, Miss Effie observed a small tear running down the mother’s cheek.
Lulu se pepe i le pito i luga o le laau,
A agi le matagi e luluina le moega pepe,
A gau le lala e paʻu ai le moega pepe,
Ma o le a sau i lalo pepe, moega pepe ma mea uma.
Effie translated the words and kept the tune. She shared it with everyone and it soon became a wildly popular nursery rhyme among the Colonies.
The English translation:
Rock-a-bye baby on the tree top,
When the wind blows the cradle will rock,
When the bough breaks the cradle will fall,
And down will come baby, cradle and all.
Why did the Muskogee mother cry?
A “bough” is simply a tree branch, and its breaking was used by the Muskogee mothers as an analogy of their little baby growing up.
Their little baby would soon outgrow his cradle. With each gently rocking wind, time was passing. One day, little baby would no longer need the protection of his mother. One day, the “branch” would break because her little baby had become too heavy. The “cradle” would fall to the earth – the child, no longer a baby, would dust himself off and grow into a man.
The now famous lullaby was first printed in Mother Goose’s Melody.
The rest is history.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mot: When Ya Finally Meet that Critter who ~~~~
Mot: ... When Ya get Double the Fun!!
Mot: ........ Boooom!!!
Mot: .... I Nearly Died of Shame!!!
Mot: .... What Ever Did She Mean!!!???
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Humor Dinar Recaps 20 Humor Dinar Recaps 20
TNT: Mot: “Great…how do you want your eggs?“…the waiter asked.
A COUPLE went to breakfast at a restaurant where the “seniors' special” was two Eggs, Bacon, Hash Browns, and Toast for $2.99.
“Sounds good,” the wife said…“but I don't want the eggs..”
“Then, I'll have to charge you $3.49 because you're ordering a la carte,”…the waiter warned her.
“You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?”…the wife asked incredulously.
“YES!”… stated the waiter.
“I'll take the special then,”…the wife said..
“Great…how do you want your eggs?“…the waiter asked.
TNT:
Mot: “Great…how do you want your eggs?“…the waiter asked.
A COUPLE went to breakfast at a restaurant where the “seniors' special” was two Eggs, Bacon, Hash Browns, and Toast for $2.99.
“Sounds good,” the wife said…“but I don't want the eggs..”
“Then, I'll have to charge you $3.49 because you're ordering a la carte,”…the waiter warned her.
“You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?”…the wife asked incredulously.
“YES!”… stated the waiter.
“I'll take the special then,”…the wife said..
“Great…how do you want your eggs?“…the waiter asked.
“Raw and in the shell,”…the wife replied.
She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.
DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!!!
WE'VE been around the block more than once!…
Mot ....... lets get on with it -- K !!!!
Mot . and Soooo - what was the 80s Like????
Mot .. Started to Get the Hang of This!!!!
Mot: Now YOu KNows 2 !!!!
Mot: .. Sooooooooo Weird it is!!!
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Humor Dinar Recaps 20 Humor Dinar Recaps 20
The Difference Between Man and Woman!
Let's say a guy named Fred is attracted to a woman named Martha. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves.
They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else. And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Martha, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud:
"Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?" And then, there is silence in the car. To Martha, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: I wonder if it bothers him that I said that.
Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.
The Difference Between Man and Woman!
Let's say a guy named Fred is attracted to a woman named Martha. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.
And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Martha, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"
And then, there is silence in the car.
To Martha, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.
And Fred is thinking: Gosh. Six months.
And Martha is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily towards, I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?
And Fred is thinking: ...so that means it was...let's see...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means...lemme check the odometer...Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.
And Martha is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed - even before I sensed it - that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.
And Fred is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.
And Martha is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.
And Fred is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty...scumballs.
And Martha is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.
And Fred is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their...
"Fred," Martha says aloud.
"What?" says Fred, startled.
"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have...oh dear, I feel so..."(She breaks down, sobbing.)
"What?" says Fred.
"I'm such a fool," Martha sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."
"There's no horse?" says Fred.
"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Martha says.
"No!" says Fred, glad to finally know the correct answer.
"It's just that...it's that I...I need some time," Martha says.
(There is a 15-second pause while Fred, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)
"Yes," he says. (Martha, deeply moved, touches his hand.)
"Oh, Fred, do you really feel that way?" she says.
"What way?" says Fred.
"That way about time," says Martha.
"Oh," says Fred. "Yes." (Martha turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)
"Thank you, Fred," she says.
"Thank you," says Fred.
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Fred gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a college basketball game between two South Dakota junior colleges that he has never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.
The next day Martha will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification.
They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it either.
Meanwhile, Fred, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Martha's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm, did Martha ever own a horse?"
And that's the difference between men and women.
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Humor, Special Dinar Recaps 20 Humor, Special Dinar Recaps 20
TNT:
Mot: ...... the woman at the end of the street
We live about a half mile from the bus stop.
There are nine kids (including my three) who live along the half mile stretch leading to the bus stop.
My kids love taking the bus because they love hanging out, talking and playing with their friends before the bus arrives.
There’s a family who lives right at the end of the street close to the bus stop.
The youngest daughter is about to graduate from high school and will leave for college in a couple months.
It could go either way living near the bus stop.
TNT:
Mot: ...... the woman at the end of the street
We live about a half mile from the bus stop.
There are nine kids (including my three) who live along the half mile stretch leading to the bus stop.
My kids love taking the bus because they love hanging out, talking and playing with their friends before the bus arrives.
There’s a family who lives right at the end of the street close to the bus stop.
The youngest daughter is about to graduate from high school and will leave for college in a couple months.
It could go either way living near the bus stop.
You could be annoyed that there are nine kids running around and having fun right outside your house 180 mornings and afternoons of the year.
Or you could welcome it.
The mom (already missing her daughter before she has even graduated from high school) loves having the kids around.
She lets them play with her dog whenever they want to.
She lets them play football and tag and climb the tree in her front yard.
She also lets them keep their bikes, scooters, skateboards, helmets, footballs, basketballs, frisbees, baseball gloves and whatever else they bring to the bus stop at her house when the bus arrives.
Then they can grab their stuff when they get off the bus after school and hang out and play and ride their bikes home.
So now, every morning, Kasen and Marit ride their bikes to the bus stop.
They get out the door ten or fifteen minutes earlier than they need to so they have time to ride bikes before school and have fun with their friends.
They actually rush out the door to go to school.
And they wouldn’t be able to do this if it weren’t for the amazing woman who welcomes and appreciates this group of kids every day.
There are so many ways to make this world a better place and the woman at the end of the street has mastered one of them.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Mot: .. the MOM Voice Its real
Mot: .... Beeeeeeeeee Sure and Remember!!! ~~~~
Mot: ... Yaaaaaaaaaa - She Gets the Day Off!!!!!
Mot: . Yeppers - one day
Mot .... Anything Left OUt????
Mot: 12 Hours of Labor
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Humor Dinar Recaps 20 Humor Dinar Recaps 20
TNT:
Rem6330: Church Ladies With Typewriters They're Back!
Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for the church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced at church services:
--------------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------
Scoutsare saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water. 'The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
TNT:
Rem6330: Church Ladies With Typewriters
They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for the church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced at church services:
--------------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------
Scoutsare saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water. 'The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
--------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------
Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basem*nt on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basem*nt Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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And this one just about sums them all up
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'
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Mot: .. Please!!!! - Please Nelson!! -- Let Us Know and Soooooon!!
Mot: Excellent Motivation....... Women will love To exercise forever......
Mot: Nitro boat vs whiney girlfriend..................
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Mot: RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE
1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
Mot: RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE
1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake."
8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!".
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was 'Always'.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!".
*******************
Mot: The woman shut up, and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
After 30 years of marriage, a husband and wife went for counseling.
The wife went into a tirade, listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.
On and on and on, she went: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry-list of unmet needs she had endured.
Finally, the therapist (who, BTW, is a man), got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her, long and passionately, as her husband watched -- with a raised eyebrow.
The woman shut up, and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and told him, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"
"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf!"
Mot: .. Ya Knows this Marital Thingy! - Careful What Ya Agreeee to!!! K!
Mot: . Seasoning c*ms at Ya frum Allll Angles!!!!
Mot: . Gotta Love Earl!! --- LOL
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Mot: ... ooooooh - oooooh -oooooh deeeeer! - ((( Uve beeeeeen Warneded )))
Olaf the Norseman is shopping at a supermarket when he comes across an old lady in a wheelchair, almost in tears.
"What's the matter?" asks Olaf.
"Oh," sobs the old lady. "I want to have a look at the frozen puddings but, as you can see, there are three steps down into the chiller cabinets."
"No problem," says Olaf, lifting her onto his back. "I'll take you."
Olaf strolls through the chiller cabinets with the old lady on his back. She selects several puddings and puts them in the basket he is carrying for her.
At the other end the old lady's husband is waiting with her wheelchair.
Mot: ... ooooooh - oooooh -oooooh deeeeer! - ((( Uve beeeeeen Warneded )))
Olaf the Norseman is shopping at a supermarket when he comes across an old lady in a wheelchair, almost in tears.
"What's the matter?" asks Olaf.
"Oh," sobs the old lady. "I want to have a look at the frozen puddings but, as you can see, there are three steps down into the chiller cabinets."
"No problem," says Olaf, lifting her onto his back. "I'll take you."
Olaf strolls through the chiller cabinets with the old lady on his back. She selects several puddings and puts them in the basket he is carrying for her.
At the other end the old lady's husband is waiting with her wheelchair.
"I'd really like to thank you," says the old lady as Olaf sets her back down in the chair, "but I don't even know who you are!"
Olaf just waves and walks off.
"I was really worried about you," says the old lady's husband. "What have you been doing?"
She replies, "Well, I've been through the desserts on a Norse with no name."
Mot: And asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"
At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside
And asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"
"Yes, coach", replied the little boy. "
Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue,
curse the umpire or call him an ashole. Do you understand all that?"
Once more, the small boy nodded in agreement.
The coach continued, "And when I take you out of the game so that another boy gets a chance to play,
it's not a dumb-ass decision or that the coach is a shoothead is it?"
"No, coach."
"Good", said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother.”
Credits Goes to the respective Author ~
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Mot: Continues to simply Amaze me the important Facts of Life You find on the Net....
Mot: .. and Yet Another ""Time Saving Tip"" frum ole Mot!!
Mot: . This is Only theoretical ... Just Hasnt happened Yet!!!
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TNT:
Mot: Pilot “Gripe Sheet”
After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a “gripe sheet,” which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
TNT:
Mot: Pilot “Gripe Sheet”
After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a “gripe sheet,” which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
•
P: Something loose in co*ckpit
S: Something tightened in co*ckpit
•
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
•
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
•
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
•
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
•
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what friction locks are for.
•
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
•
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
•
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
•
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
•
P: Mouse in co*ckpit.
S: Cat installed.
Mot: ITS A MAN THING.
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods,I got lost and, being a typical man,
I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place.
I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.I played like I've never played before for this homeless man and as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep.
They wept, I wept, we all wept together.When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
Apparently I'm still lost....it's a man thing........
Mot: Siiggghhhhhh - How do They Survive!!???
Mot: .... and Just How Do Ya Read the California Signs - anyways????
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