Carolyn Hax is away. The following first appeared Feb. 14 and Feb. 7, 2010, and has been lightly edited.
Dear Carolyn: I’ve had two dates with a great guy who has expressed to me and to mutual friends that he is very interested in me. On Wednesday, after a dinner date, he asked me to do something this weekend. I said I’d love to, and mentioned I had a friend’s birthday dinner, organized by her husband, on Saturday night. He said he’d call me.
Well, it’s Friday morning and he hasn’t called. My friends think I made a huge mistake by not being available Saturday night — they say I probably hurt his feelings or he’ll think I’m playing hard to get, and he may not call again.
I’ve made the mistake many times before of dropping everything for a guy, and I know how isolating it gets. But I would also really regret not seeing where this relationship goes. Did I make a mistake? How do I fix it?
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— Ohio
Ohio: Yes, you’ve made a mistake — in seeking affirmation from friends who reinforce behavior you’ve wisely tried to outgrow.
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About Carolyn Hax
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You’ve had two (2) dates with a guy, and they think that’s grounds for ditching what are clearly not informal plans to celebrate your friend’s birthday? Because they think being genuine made you look like you were playing games?
Just writing that made my head hurt.
To fix this mistake, please take a good look at who these friends are, what they value and whether they help bring out what you like best in yourself. I’m not suggesting you ditch them all and start over; if we waited for friends who had perfect judgment, then we’d all be alone. But there’s a difference between laughing over a latte and actually trusting someone to have values in line with your own, good judgment, and the wisdom to say, “Seems a little early to get all caught up in when this guy chooses to call.”
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Know yourself, know the character of people in your life, then figure out whom you can trust.
Dear Carolyn: My wife shares my views of the extreme difficulty, on a few fronts, of her mother’s extended visits to our home. My wife is amenable to discussions with her mom but fears we may be expecting too much from her — a 60-year-old woman who we both agree is a very unusual combination of neutral congeniality and stone-quiet stoicism.
After several regular, extended visits by her during the past three years, I am proposing this type of a conversation with Grandma:
“Grandma, my wife and I love your eight-week visits from overseas to help us with the baby. Our home is your home, and it will always be your home.
“Now that our daughter is 1, we’d love to ask of you a few things during your stay:
“Please don’t always, constantly and incessantly use baby talk with the baby. She is learning quickly and needs to hear thoughtful adult voices.
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“Please don’t monopolize the baby. We know you take great care of her; just share her with us when we are home.
“Please be a presence in our home. Speak to us (language a slight but not primary issue), share your thoughts, reach out to us, try to do your part to fill our home with conversation, emotion and stimulation. This is the environment we seek for your grandchild.
“Make yourself at home. When we have company, please join us. Sit with us as we welcome others into our home. When asked your wishes, please try to express them. We realize you try not to be a burden, but you create a lot of effort for us when we have no idea of your tastes, wishes or desires. We know this isn’t what you intend. Please feel most welcome to participate in all ways while you are staying with us.”
It’s way too much, isn’t it?
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— Va.
Va.: Way.
Your requests, if fulfilled, would create your perfect grandma and houseguest — and, if expressed, would be insulting and probably futile. She is who she is. Whatever requests you make need the basic facts of her personality as their foundation.
So. “We love your visits and our home is your home”? Yes. Nice sentiments.
“Do not use baby talk”? No, no, no. She can be the grandma she wants to be, within the very wide boundaries of the baby’s safety and health. Your daughter will learn language from countless sources, particularly you and your wife. One gah-googler won’t spike her chances at Harvard.
“Please don’t monopolize the baby”? Yes, but not as part of the sit-down. Fight that war one moment at a time (“Here, let me take her now, thanks”).
“Please share your thoughts,” etc.? Pass. Unwinnable battle.
“Please join us when we have company”? When you have company, invite her to join you. Each time, warmly.
Her preferences warrant respect, including her preference not to express preferences — even if it frustrates you. Create an inclusive environment, encourage the choices you’d prefer, then respect the choices she does make. What a great example for your child.
